[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet