[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Breaking news:
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
want me to check your oil?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.