Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

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Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?


*couples therapy*

WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.

HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.


ME: I wish I could fix this problem


ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…


[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope


The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…


It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.


My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.


She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?


My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.