@KellyBXah

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

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@Talk_To_The_Hat

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

@drhappyknuckles

*couples therapy*

WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.

HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.

@roxiqt

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

@FredTaming

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

@Amiigat

The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

@thegreatnanak

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

@Spaziotwat

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.