Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.