Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
The French cow says MEUX…
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
🙀🙀🙀😹
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs