Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Saturday
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.