“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please