[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.