Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

B: Is that a sticky note?

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Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.


[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?


8. Which is your least favorite character?



I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”


Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.


Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
Judge: What?
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
J: No.


spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try


1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”


The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count