@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

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@mrjohndarby

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

@donni

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

@Mostly_Cheese

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

@MafiaJoker78

*Leaves home for the day…

*Fears I left something behind

*Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone.

*Grabs phone & leaves.

@dadmann_walking

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

@GrantTanaka

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

@coryrichardson_

CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years

me: hopefully in your chair

[5 years later]

me: *in the CEO’s chair*

CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair

@impaulmccoy

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.