Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.


Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”


Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me


People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.


WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.


Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread


Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’


David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!


me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this