@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

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@Lilbyrdy

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

@unknownshoulder

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

@girl_a_whirl

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

@skullpuppy11

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

@FatherWithTwins

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

@BigJDubz

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

@jimSarbh

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

@AmericanGent69

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

@mrtiredeyes

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this