@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

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@FrogAvalanche

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

@jonnysun

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

@donni

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

@tastefactory

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

@FredTaming

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

@ShortSleeveSuit

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

@WTF_MYOB

I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.

@SortaBad

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

@Shock_Monster

My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.