*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I have a gut feeling about you.
It’s called nausea.
The six stages
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My dream job? That’s easy:
Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.
That’s Old School Twitter.