Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.