Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
As I get older, I’m really just looking for Girls Gone Mild.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
teacher: why did richard nixon resign
me: uh i dont know. dam
me: that’s what i said
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
me: oh cool AM or FM?