Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Mornin
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.