Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”