You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*