Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Don’t talk down to me
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre