@TheReal_AndyMac

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

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@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

@MikeBigby

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

@BoogTweets

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@stefani6124

I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist’s office…

Because I’m like, “Hey, you’re crazy too? Cool.”

@NervousJr

Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

@aidanjsears

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no