@TheReal_AndyMac

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

@lovemydogduck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

@HansGrubertron

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

@carlyken

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

@TheCiscoKidder

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

@RL_blahneh

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

@TheAndrewNadeau

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

@Cheeseboy22

My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor’s back porch! I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s really a marijuana leaf.