any yall looking to wake up with some organs missing
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist’s office…
Because I’m like, “Hey, you’re crazy too? Cool.”
Don’t feel like going to the gym?
Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.
Then go to the gym.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no