On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
*takes 5 more shots*
me to an ex: wyd
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor’s back porch! I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s really a marijuana leaf.