@EmmyStar79

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

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@weismanjake

When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane

@Brampersandon_

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

@KyleMcDowell86

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

@candace_9871

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@Nickadoo

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

@sixfootcandy

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

@UnFitz

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

@hipchkk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”