When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken
And no toilet paper.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”