“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.