Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
You Might Also Like
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
BRAKING NEWS!!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.