@TheTweetOfGod

Money is the root of all larger amounts of money.

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@EJGomez

“dad mom wont tell me where babies come from”
*dad slams newspaper down*
DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS
*clenches fists*
WHY WONT SHE TELL US

@TheMichaelRock

HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.

@SentenceReduced

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

@HomeWithPeanut

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

@Multitudes8

M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?

@Mr_Kapowski

If you wear a cape to a meal, you can spin it around to the front and have a full sized bib for eating

@TylerLinkin

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.

@Ivsy01

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.