money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My wife has the worst taste in men.