@WheelTod

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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@LadyBombs

I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.

@fro_vo

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

@kendracomedy

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

@HomeProbably

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

@KyleMcDowell86

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

@Nahdude83

Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

@Donna_McCoy

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.