Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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won’t smith
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.