Honey, I think the milks gone bad
“what makes you say that dear?”
*milk presses the gun to my back* just a hunch, btw where’s your purse?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.
Me: my best friend is my wife
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
*pulls out clipboard*
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.
Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[ Spelling bee ]
Your word is Harry Potter
Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!