@WheelTod

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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@DaddyJew

Honey, I think the milks gone bad

“what makes you say that dear?”

*milk presses the gun to my back* just a hunch, btw where’s your purse?

@KamanCider

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.

@hazelmotes1

Me: my best friend is my wife

Everyone: awwww

My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE

@space0tter

Date

*pulls out clipboard*
“Name?”
“Uh.. Beth.”
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“No”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
“What’s that?”
*drops clipboard*

@Book_Krazy

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

@Mikecanrant

Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@KimmyMonte

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

@xysist

[ Spelling bee ]

Your word is Harry Potter

Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!