Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.