Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Not today, today.
Not today.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.