Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.