Monica just destroyed the internet
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*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
How did we not see this back then?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
what day is it?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.