Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?