Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Trying
“I’m helping” 😅
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”