Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

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[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”


There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.


ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here


So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….


Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”


WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man


Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.


every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood


I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.