Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice