When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by…
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
We both want it.
My lips part.
His do, too.
The tension pulsates.
“I’ll take the one w/ sprinkles!”
And that’s how I got the last one.