Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

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Dear spouse:

When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by…


“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.


Me: I need to make better life choices.



It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.


How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger


why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism


A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture


friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that


We both want it.
My lips part.
His do, too.
The tension pulsates.

“I’ll take the one w/ sprinkles!”

And that’s how I got the last one.