@MrsTomServo

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

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@murrman5

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

@ryaninco

There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here

@envydatropic

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

@BlotterMonkey

Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

@MartaEffing

Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.

@yoyoha

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

@jordan_stratton

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.