Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
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I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too