@lordratsquirt

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

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@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@Crap_Advisor

I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..

@EliTerry

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

@tucker_doherty

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

@theferocity

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@UncleDuke1969

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

@hazelmotes1

Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*

@VeganZebra

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?