monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
never ask a starfish for directions
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro