@sad_saurus

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

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@JasonIsbell

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

@Sickayduh

ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.

HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.

@AshToTheFuture

Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction

@danielhowell

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

@Gupton68

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

@crayolaawonderr

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

@ItsAndyRyan

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

@mommajessiec

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.