Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter