Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Only short people can save us
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.