Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Pizza is an emotion right?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share