@freypalm

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

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@BadJokeCat

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

@peytnhaag

me: if u drink this coffee ur gonna get jittery and anxious and ur gonna feel sick later
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me think fast

@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

@KingRainhead

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

@LizerReal

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

@TheOnion

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

@ddsmidt

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

@JaneanPatience

Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It’s not going well. Their musical styles aren’t compatible

@Smafa

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms