*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

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Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.


me: if u drink this coffee ur gonna get jittery and anxious and ur gonna feel sick later
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me think fast


All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.


if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what


i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did


Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes


If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*


Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It’s not going well. Their musical styles aren’t compatible


I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms