[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
🙂🙃🥹
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day