Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The most important meal of the day is the next one