Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years