Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
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Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls