“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.