[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.