Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
BRO LMFAO
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.