*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
You Might Also Like
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself