Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.