“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
You Might Also Like
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Sorry. Not sorry
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.