[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”