@garrettbarry70

More bad news.

Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.

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@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@NotOnTheMoors

I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.

@UnimpressedWU

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

@JElvisWeinstein

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

@Shock_Monster

Hostess: Table for one?

Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.

@iNusku

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

@GrantTanaka

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

@jlock17

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

@gitson_shiggles

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”