[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
More bad news.
Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.
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I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Me: Yes, one please.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh