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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
me 2 months after i graduated
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?