More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
one last job
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
i could never be president. im overqualified.