More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
IT’S-A ME,
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal