More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
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Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?